my reality series

a public apology

ladebelle — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:15:34 +0000

surprising right?

last nite i went to dance practice and danced my heart out. african dance has the ability to really make me self conscious about my body and my movements. i don’t know why but it does. either way, last nite i had a good time teaching some of the ladies i mentor some of the more traditional african dances for the crossing season. what’s all that? i’ll touch on it another time.

so both the men and the women came together and did their dances and they looked so great! i was so excited for them. so excited that i actually forgot how hungry i was and the lack of food i’d ingested. so we close out and we’re getting ready to leave when he calls everyone back to the circle. at this point, i don’t know what i’m thinking.

he announces that he needs to apologize to me publicly and in front of all these people because it was to them that he had been speaking ill of me. i was a little shocked and i actually didn’t want to hug him or speak to him or touch him but i did. i’m kinda proud of myself for going ahead and hugging him. i know that he didn’t know what my reaction was going to be and i was kinda proud of him for taking the risk anyway.

but i do kinda wonder what it was he was saying behind my back and what everyone’s responses were… intersting…

i mean, isn’t it over now?

ladebelle — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:09:49 +0000

that’s what i thought. but i guess i was wrong.

so after pressuring me to talk to him, he sends me an IM and attempts to be cordial before informing me that he logged into my twitter account and went through my messages. i’m not concerned with him reading my messages as there was nothing on there to read but the mere fact that he thought he had the right to do that AND then tell me about it?!?!? wtf?!!?

we divorced for a reason. he needs to move on and leave me alone… i thought i was wrong in this feeling until one of our mutual mentors confirmed that this is in fact healthy… **sigh** drama…

it’s a snow day

ladebelle — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 22:42:29 +0000

and I would love nothing more then to cuddle up with someone… nothing sexual, just cuddling.

this idea of practicing celibacy is becoming more and more enticing and I’m beginning to have an understanding of my own for why someone would want to intentionally give up sex. I don’t crave it nearly as much as I do the intimacy or company with a man. but not just any man.

I watch the snow fall and I wonder what my next love story will hold or if there even willbe another one. most days I wonder if I even want one but then days like this come and I crave the comfort that I had with hi
during the good times. I dont know if it’s love or just companionship that I desire now. like a partnership. but what type of person could I really picture being there? who would I actually allow in?

my snow day has been filled with movie watching and and slow drags that fill my body with empty smoke that forces itself out with heavy sighs and contagious coughs.

no longer desiring to be held captive to my captivity, I’m giving myself a makeover. physically anyway. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the rest to change but I don’t have much choice there. evolution always occurs when the environment calls for it just like rain turns to snow.

till my evolution calls, I’ll be enjoying what’s left of my snow day.

– Post From My iPhone

controlling the control freak

ladebelle — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:18:53 +0000

so i’m a control freak. i admit it. i don’t need (or even want) to control most things due to my indecisive nature. but there are some things that i do need to control, especially when it comes to appearances.

so here’s my issue…

i know it’s wrong to hate things, but truthfully, i’ve tried to like it but i absolutely cannot stand the person i report to. why? certainly it’s not because she’s a bad person, rather, her managment style is really not condusive to my work style.

so what’s my issue now right? on friday we had a meeting that was one on one with the 2 of us. after she mandated this membership calling project on to me, she proceeded to tell me that she’s heard the following:

that i was bad mouthing both our company and client
that i was not being a team player
that i was treating both our client and our company with subpar customer service

what’s my issue with this? it couldn’t be furthest from the truth! my client may be needy but i’ve been part of associations and i know how they rock. i don’t hate them nor do i think badly of them. in fact, when i’m off the clock i think of them often. and i like my company. it’s small, relatively intimate, and these things i like in a company. i like our president and think that our execs are rather cool esp since they’re so young.

my initial response…

i was livid… it got to the point that i was so angry that i swear steam was coming from all my waist up orphesis (sp?) and i was seeing red. i expressed to her my concern and frustration with what she was telling me and how ironic i found it that although she was “hearing” these things, i’m still being given roles that are becoming the face (and voice) for our client.

she then began to nitpick which is unbelievably petty and immature. she couldn’t provide any examples of any complaints that were outside of a separate conversation she instructed me not to worry about. and people wonder why i’m paranoid. she’s crazy and making things up in order to ruffle my feathers–which she did.

the bottom line…

at the end of the day, i still need my job and my sister and mother have convinced me that i should just play along with her controlling games. so did i do? on monday morning i opened up the day with the english opening and now she has know idea what to think. we all know what the english opening in chess is but in real life it looked like this:

monday morning i waltzed in slightly early. after our meetings i asked to speak with her and asked her for some help in making sure that i had all the tools i needed in order to guarantee success. she is now swooning saying how much she appreciates me taking the initiative on talking to her about these things.

meanwhile, i’m in my head thinking of my next move to passively control this control freak.

my perfect man

ladebelle — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 16:27:09 +0000

i was talking to my friend last nite about dating and being ready and all the things that go along with it, specifically the type of men that we like.

it’s funny because all of these experiences that i’ve had dating and with my ex have all helped me to develop the “cookie cutter” for my ideal, not really perfect, man.

so here are some of the qualities that i want:

tall (as in taller then me with heels on)
well built
confident
cultured
shares similar interests with me but also has his own
values “alone” time and respects mine
driven, goal-oriented, and always going after his dreams
must love dogs (mine in particular)
funny
smart
has a great smile
beast in the bedroom and knows how to please me
understanding and patient
has an artsy side to him
established and doesn’t need me to save him
has things to offer me mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically

i think that’s about it… typically i’m more attracted to darker skinned guys but i think i should be more open. i might periodically add to this but where i am now, these are some of the qualities that i want in a man.

i cried again

ladebelle — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:28:49 +0000

just when i thought that i was all cried out over him and i, i cried.

not like the sloppy boo-hooing all over the place crying but my heart was hurting and i cried. i was in the bed watching a favorite current time of “law and order” and then i just started thinking.

i was thinking about how in love we once were and how happy those times were. when things with us were good, they were great. i would laff so hard that i would cry while we shared crude jokes. i used to be able to see him as everything i wanted in a husband and now i can’t even see a shadow of that. and now i’m more lost then ever.

that’s sad to me. he’s not a bad person. i still love him. i just can’t love him in that way. but he does deserve that love from someone. and one day he will. and all of this is sad to me for some reason. and it hurts my heart for that reason. and i cried for that reason.

my first date

ladebelle — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:00:37 +0000

it happened really unexpectedly. so unexpectedly that i didn’t know it was a date until i was on it.

it was nice. there was a bonfire. there were smores. and lots of conversation.

i’m not opposed to dating him. but i don’t think i’m ready for the dating part…

slow drag

ladebelle — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:40:16 +0000

i inhale… slowly. the smoke fills my lungs as my diaphram pulls it down. i exhale and let go of my anxieties, stresses, concerns, my negativities. i know why tweet was “smoking cigarettes at nite”.

janet isn’t the only one who gets so lonely

ladebelle — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 05:07:03 +0000

the nite’s that i’m home not doing anything are the times that i feel lonely. well, maybe not lonely but i am acknowledging that i’m alone. i’m happy and feeling weird about it all at the same time. i’m happy that i have my own place to choose who and when it’s occupied by “outsiders”. but tonite i’d like some attention and want to cuddle with someone.

looking through my contacts, i don’t actually know of many that i would actually invite over to just hang out. i don’t even know where this craving for non-sexual intimacy with male’s has come from but it’s reared it’s ugly head. fortunately for me, i’m not acting on it. i should clean up my room, but i’m not doing that either! instead, i’m going to go to call it a nite and go to bed.

a change of focus

ladebelle — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:49:37 +0000

i initially started this blog to have an outlet for me for my divorce and my trials and tribulations that are associated with that. but truth be told, i’m all blogged out about that. in a nutshell, i rushed into a marriage with a great person that was really just supposed to be my friend. my issues with preferences and intimacy aided in the spontaneous combustion of the thing and now i’m restarting, or just starting anew.

but in my new chapter, i want the focus to be changed. i didn’t realize it until recently, but i tend to have this mindset of “what can i do for you” when it came to men and relationships and life period. but i need to change my focus in order to have a different outcome.

so instead of me being in the mindset of “what can i do for you”, i’m changing to the “what can you do for me” mindset. not that i want to become one of the selfish people that i despise, but so often i’m the “helper” that i don’t really get “helped”. nor do i know what people can help me with. so that’s a change of focus there.

but i’m also changing the focus here on this blog. this is “my reality series” for a reason and my divorce hasn’t been my only reality. i have a semi-booming business, great friends, and quite the social life that is also part of my reality and i want to blog about that as well.

not that i think that all of those experiences will be life changing or teaching experiences, but i’ve been having a great time as well and that should be entertaining!

so beginning monday will be the start of the new focus.